Mothers Day...

This is one of the worst holidays for me. No, it's not because I am unthankful for either of my moms (birth and mother in law) but more because of what I lack at this point. I know you all have heard the stories before but I miscarried twins June 9th of 2007 and miscarried again April 9th of 2008. Today, that would make me a mom. I would be celebrating with my children, but nope, that wasn't the plan for today.

I find today to be extremely hard because having children is something I really want. I want to be able to encourage and discipline, to love and to care for someone who is mine. I try not to be selfish on a day like today, but jeez, it's hard. On days like today, I think about where we would be if they were here. What we would be doing...etc.

I'm not happy about the miscarriages, but I believe everything happens for a reason and am thankful in a weird way because I want Brian to have a job first and us to be established. Maybe that's selfish too...

I don't know. I'm pretty much venting right now. I just am having a hard time today...