A congrats is in order...

Brian came home from work yesterday to tell me one of our friends is now pregnant. WoW. I am so happy for them, as I know they have been wanting children, however my heart is hurting. I realized that if I wouldn't have had another miscarriage, that I would be preggo with her. The emotions I feel cannot be expressed in words. I hurt. I hurt so bad. I spent all of last night crying. Jealousy? No... Anger? yes... but not towards our friends... more towards God for what he has put me through a second time. I do not feel as though my emotions have started to level out yet. I honestly don't know if I can even look at my friends right now, only because of how much it hurts! That sounds so selfish... I know. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "gee... just get over it," but sadly it isn't that easy.

I am hoping I get better soon. I am hoping that I can get past all of this to let them know how happy I am for them. I want them to feel my support, and caring side... I just need to shake my own self. This morning, I have started to "stuff" the emotions. I know this is probably not the best thing to do at the moment, but given what is coming up this week/weekend/next week, I must. I need to forget how I feel about myself and ask the God that I am not too happy with to help me get through the next 7 days.

SO... if you are reading this, which I have a feeling you may paruse this, Congrats. I truly am happy for you. I just hope you are able to see that through what I am going through...
Love you guys...

For the rest of you... No I will not tell you who it is!

I went to my doctor last week... found out that I needed a D&C. For those of you who do not know what that is, don't ask... it's the hardest thing to have done. I am surprised though, that they didn't do that on the 9th... hmmm...?

I got a package in the mail today. It's from Brian's Aunt Michelle... yeah... she is an amazing person. She sent me hand-tuned wind chimes and every time I hear them chime, I am to think about how much she loves me and how much God loves me. That is one thing that I have not been feeling lately.

The doctor I saw last week doesn't agree with my doctor in the birth control she picked out for me. I had 2 miscarriages on Yaz, but it suited my body well. Loestrin 24 does not seem to be agreeing with my system. I'll have to figure something out though... not sure as to whether or not I should contact my doctor or try to give it more time to work it's way into my system.

My emotions are becomming more stable and sadly, I have found comfort in food. I have gained 5 pounds since the 9th... and have not gone to the gym. Hmmmm... I'm a fatty.

School is almost over for the winter semester, however, I have spring classes starting right afterwards, so we will see! I am anxious to get started in doing loss prevention work but scared all at the same time! Brian starts the academy in just 3.5 months... WOW... gotta come up with $4500 to get him through that one... times are tough right now, that's for sure.

Anyways... thanks for the continued prayers... we greatly appreciate it!

2 Weeks Later...

Well... it's been two weeks since the second miscarriage. Still numb, still sad, still angry... but still seeking out the Lord. This has been one of the most stressful times in my life... not to mention for the past 2 weeks I have been feeling nauseaous every single moment, of every single day. Plus, on the graphic side (I apologize if this is too much detail) but I am still bleeding. That has been going on for 21 days now and I feel like I am becomming anemic. I am more pale than usual, I am shaky all the time, stomach is upset all the time... not sure what to do. The doctor told me this "was normal" and that it will pass "in due time."

Brian and I have had a few discussions concerning what has been going on, which has helped. I find myself wondering if he will ever be at a point in his life where he will want children. He told me he was afraid to be a dad, but I'm afraid to be a mom too... I just hope that one day, he will tell me that he is ready... and I hope it isn't too far off... then again, the way my ovaries are, maybe he won't have to wait! Haha... since they are "overactive."

I have found "healing" in playing video games... well... ok... it isn't healing. It's more of a way to get my mind off of everything. It works though... although that can be stressful too because of how intence COD4 is.

School is almost over for us... well... for Brian. I start the new semester on May 5th. I have an online class and two in class ones starting up. Constitutional Law and Basic Statistics...
Although good at math... I HATE IT!!

I am going to try to get some rest... it seems as though that is one of the only things keeping my body going...


Thank you for those of you who have been praying... I have felt the love and compassion!

Death All Around...

Today is the 25th anniversary of my father's death. Sadly, I was just able to get past how I felt about my day yesterday to realize that today was the day. Talk about having a moment...

My mom just called me as well... Mr. Merek, my childhood neighbor... the greatest neighbor of all time, passed away. They don't know if he was killed (his car was stolen) or if that was just a coincidence. That too, makes me super sad...

Let's not forget about the emotional stress I still am coping with from yesterday. I just still can't believe that I forgot today was the anniversary.... Gosh... I let my own emotions block that out... :o(

In the past 2 days... I have experienced Death (or had memories) and let me tell you, IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I hate God?

#2.

Gosh... I can't believe this is happening again. June of last year I had my first miscarriage...
Can you figure out where this is going???

I just got home from the doctor... bad news. Once again, my body is being STUPID and has rejected a precious thing. No, Brian and I were not trying, but either way, what was there, is there no more.

:o(

Ramblings!

Brian's surprise went GREAT!! Now that he has it, I can tell you what it is!

I got him a vest for his shooting competitions from Tactical Tailor, and a PS3!!! My husband is absolutely amazing and deserves so much more than I can give him.

I have had some health problems since the middle of last week... don't want to say what they are yet... until I find out from the doctor on Wednesday... wish me luck! After the doctors appointment, I get to go get a rental car and turn mine in to get the bumper fixed.

Last night, Brian and I went to my cousin's birthday party. Stace turned 40! It's been a few years since we have talked but man oh man... it was nice getting to see some of my family again. I don't see my father's side of the family much. :o(

I made a card for him though, I hope he enjoyed it! I took a picture of him from 1980 when he got a gag gift and made a card out of it... yeah... I was feeling a tad bit creative! I was going to post it on here, but there are errors in doing that, so nevermind... just take my word for it! :o)

School is almost over... just 4 more weeks and we will be DONE!! Well.. I start right back up but Brian get's the summer semester off! Lucky dog! But then in August, my love will be at the academy all day long and I will hopefully be working enough to pay all the bills! Thinking about getting a second job... just not sure where I could do that though! Between the bank and classes, I'm pretty much spent as it is!

Well... I should go. We are going to study tonight and gotta leave soon!